Split Infinitives

…It is that time of year where I begin to get a mind consuming cold. It starts off by sneezing / fever/ etc, and turns into snotting so much into my rag of tissue, that in a blind rush, I get it onto my hands then wipe it on my hair. Very attractive.

And with this time to myself, I’ve started to question everything I do. Mainly my job and where its all heading to.

So with encouragement from a funny little friend of mine, I am investigating a “career” as a writer / journalist. When I say “looking into it”, I mean I am looking into how much they get paid, on google.

But seriously, I am creative, can just about write in joined up handwriting and have some crazy ideas to write about. Although I need to go away and think about how to use a split infinitive, or learn what they are. Cue Mozart!

Maybe one day I can force a local newspaper to take me on. I accept I am more likely to get into a rage and attack my boss with a stapler / hole punch. Imagine that, “Boss beaten to death with his own photocopying”. Maybe they will let me write a section of that piece.

I’ve been down so goddamn long c’mon…on the next hype

a fable or two…

The Boy and the Nettles

A Boy was stung by a Nettle. He ran home and told his Mother,
saying, “Although it hurts me very much, I only touched it
gently.” “That was just why it stung you,” said his Mother. “The
next time you touch a Nettle, grasp it boldly, and it will be
soft as silk to your hand, and not in the least hurt you.”

Whatever you do, do with all your might.

The Wolf and the Kid

A Kid was perched up on the top of a house, and looking down
saw a Wolf passing under him. Immediately he began to revile and
attack his enemy. “Murderer and thief,” he cried, “what do you
here near honest folks’ houses? How dare you make an appearance
where your vile deeds are known?”

“Curse away, my young friend,” said the Wolf.

“It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.”

The Serpent and the Eagle

An Eagle swooped down upon a Serpent and seized it in his talons
with the intention of carrying it off and devouring it. But the
Serpent was too quick for him and had its coils round him in a moment;
and then there ensued a life-and-death struggle between the two. A
countryman, who was a witness of the encounter, came to the assistance
of the eagle, and succeeded in freeing him from the Serpent and
enabling him to escape. In revenge, the Serpent spat some of his
poison into the man’s drinking-horn. Heated with his exertions, the
man was about to slake his thirst with a draught from the horn, when
the Eagle knocked it out of his hand, and spilled its contents upon
the ground.

“One good turn deserves another.”

Cue Drumroll, it’s National Shite Day

Drawing the pickaxe from my shattered dream

Head down, I walked on
Spindrift stinging my remaining eye

I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down

Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
i.e sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin

Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls

There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets

Shite Day
I guess this must be National Shite Day
This surely must be National Shite Day
Don’t tell me, it’s National Shite Day

Someone’s declared it National Shite Day!

Float on… float on

If I had possession over Pancake Day

Three random questions I asked myself today;

A) What would happen on Valentines Day if I rang up a decent restaurant and said ‘hey got any tables left? Great’, table for two please … then turn up with a blow up doll or my grandmothers ashes plonked on the opposite side of the table? Whilst continuing to order to Valentines special for two.  And later sobbing furiously into my meal, putting out the soppy or boring couples surrounding me.

B) What would happen if you ate half of your flatmates well prepared sarnie, then left the remainder in the fridge for them to discover in the morning? Could I convince him/her that they are a sleepwalker and must be scoffing in the process?

C) If I proclaimed to my boss that I wanted a month off work, paid, to go travelling to Cambodia – would he be understanding/have some respect for me? I mean I’m at the perfect age to do something adventurous, and I’m sure I could do some sort of “professional development” while I’m out there!

If he fired me for such an outburst, I would definitely take my printer. I’ve become attached to it now…

Today, I regret nothing…

What a day. I got verbal diarrhoea at work, inhaled more chlorine than air in the pool and managed to get the iron out to find half my shirts are discoloured or stained.

I am pretty badass.

But on the plus side, I have stuck to my aim to get to the pool today, not eaten chocolate, yet, (despite there being cakes bought for the office) and I got the iron out with the intention to iron! Not too shabby. So when am I going to be a six packed goddess, ironing and cooking at the same time while dictating my complex legal notes in French? Ah fuck knows but its worth a shot at the stars right?

Non, je ne regrette rien…

No! Nothing at all
No! I regret nothing
Neither the good things
Nor the bad – they’re all the same to me

No! Nothing at all
No! I regret nothing
It’s been paid for, swept away, forgotten
I don’t give a damn about the past!
My memories
I have burnt my memories
My sorrows, my pleasures
I don’t need them any more

Swept away, the love affairs
And all their tremblings
Swept away for ever
I am starting anew

No! Nothing at all
No! I regret nothing
Neither the good things
Nor the bad – they’re all the same to me

No! Nothing at all
No! I regret nothing
For my life, for my joys
Today, they start with you

Blame Game

On a bathroom wall I wrote
“I’d rather argue with you than to be with someone else”
I took a piss and dismiss it and went and found somebody else
Arguing harvesting the feelings, I’d rather be by my f-cking self
Till about 2am and I call back and I hang up and start to blame myself
Somebody help

Submission time

Just about to make an application that I believe may change my life (although its most likely to be acknowledged by a metal bin along with billions of others). And as you must well know (if any of you bloggers have applied for jobs in the current climate), you get that feeling, like you want to scream? Have a little dance in celebration of finishing it (and then later cry when you realise you spelt the company name wrong).

Starting to panic that I am missing something. And the internet isn’t like fax or post, you can’t rip it from the screen like you can a fax machine (although I am aware of the ‘undo’ button on googlemail…but seriously, whats the point if you only give me 10 seconds. I don’t know whats worse, having the option of an undo but never being able to action the bloody thing or having no option so we all go submit a shit email crazy. Hmm..)

Anyway lets keep our fingers crossed.

Oh and some fat guy has just stuck his thumb up in front of my computer as if to say YOUR NOT DOING WORK. Mate, you didn’t get in the lab until 14.33 you lazy bastard, and your lack of commitment really isn’t my problem…

And even on clear days I can’t see the point

…whilst I’m not office bitch delivering sandwiches and making coffee to further my legal career, I often think “if I die today, would I have achieved what I wanted to achieve at this age”. In short, the reply to that is no. Not even close.

I could use my writing skills, passion for politics and deep values to write amazing journalistic articles. Or I could do another degree in psychology and use my past ‘problems’ to help others. I could travel and see the world and meet the person who might save me from myself. Get into shape, sort out my finances!

But its a sunny day, so whats the point.

Daydreamer

Time: 00.18
Health: 67%
Cigarettes: 4
Alcohol units: 0
Mood: alright

Got some tunes on, sending me into a daydream. My own little world where I live most of the time.

I never day-dream about day-to-day things. No, usually I become some experienced dancer, or undercover agent with outstanding aim. I demonstrate this by shooting someone’s big toe. No wonder I’m so miserable – Hollywood movies really did give me unrealistic expectations of life.

But you know what kids ITS FRIDAY! And that means one more working day 🙂

…Maybe I should go to bed now.